When I got irritated at him, he didn’t take me seriously at all. He turned it into a joke. He’d make fun of me and poke me until I laughed again.
Then one summer I discovered the power of getting mad.
I don’t remember why I got angry at him, but for the first time, he didn’t laugh. He got upset, shut down, and went home without another word. I felt half-horrified, half-fascinated.
I still felt like I had every right to be mad at him, but instead of playing the game he’d taken my shot right in the face.
Sometimes, getting mad can be fun. Other times, it can kill a relationship. And you don’t always know which is which.
Throwing a fit NEVER helps things. But we still do it because it feels good.
Men HATE facing conflict. They will do anything to avoid having to face the fact that someone’s feelings were hurt or that a mistake was made. As a result, they don’t want to talk about problems.
The only way WE feel like we can get through to them is to throw a fit. Even if they don’t end up hearing us, at least we feel better afterward.
Getting mad at your man can become a habit. Every time he does anything annoying, or forgets something, or acts insensitively, it can feel oh-so-tempting just to let loose.
Although it can feel fantastic to let our emotions rip, very few of us realize how our habit of “getting mad” is actually less endearing than destructive.
So when is it OKAY to get mad? When is it okay to throw a tantrum because he’s not listening to us?
According to clinical psychologist Richard Wheeler, the answer is NEVER.
It’s NEVER okay to get mad at your partner. It’s NEVER okay to yell, or throw things, or call him names. It’s NEVER okay to blame him for every time he’s been late for a date with you or every time he’s forgotten a special occasion.
When I heard that advice for the first time, I was amazed. What do you do if you can’t get mad at someone? How do you show your partner that he hurt you? Isn’t all that anger harmful if you keep it inside?
Learning how to express yourself in a healthy way when you’re angry may be one of the most important lessons you ever learn when it comes to keeping your man’s love and respect.
So, to help you do this, here are 5 tips for what to do when you’re about to get mad at your man.
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#1: GET SOME PERSPECTIVE
Is it really such a big deal that he was 15 minutes late? Is it really such a big deal that you’d planned somthing together that you were really looking forward to and he canceled? How much does this matter to your relationship? Can you laugh at this?
#2: DEAL WITH THE SITUATION AT HAND
Don’t bring up the past (e.g., every time he’s done this before) or the future. Keep yourself focused on THIS specific event.
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#3: EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS COMPLETELY
If you don’t tell him how you feel, you’ll become resentful and bitter. Make sure that you tell him how his actions made you feel in a way that’s non-accusatory and non-confrontational. Remember that it’s not about what he DID – it’s about how you FELT about it.
#4: CARE ABOUT HIS POINT OF VIEW
Don’t have a shouting match where you’re trying to drown one another out. Where most arguments fail is when each side is focused on what THEY are going to say, not on understanding the other person’s point of view or resolving the conflict. Maybe he was just as upset as you were when he had to cancel your special date night; maybe he sped to get home on time and sat cursing at the stoplights, knowing he was going to be late. You don’t know. Give him space to tell you.
#5: GIVE UP BEING RIGHT AND GET CLOSER
When you’re focused on being right, your relationship loses out. Don’t hold the pain of being hurt so tightly to you that it forms a barrier between you and your partner. Allow him
to make amends, and allow yourself to forgive. You know when your partner’s heart is genuinely in the right place.
These techniques will not only help you forge an amazing connection with your partner; they’ll also help you with life.