By Slade Shaw
Author of Why Men Pull Away
Learn exactly what pushes men to leave…and how to NEVER feel abandoned or rejected
How To Turn Your Fear Into Confidence
When you look at a confident woman who has no trouble getting dates all the time, does it seem like she ACCIDENTALLY ended up that way?
I believe it’s a conscious decision to constantly dig into the aspects of your personality that help get you through different
So confidence is basically a daily HABIT of making use of what’s ALREADY there.
To put in another way, you don’t actually get confidence from an external source. Books, audio tapes, seminars and other material that talk about the subject matter WON’T help you GAIN confidence like it was a lucky charm you put on.
Instead, what you’re doing is simply harvesting the untapped potential that’s been INSIDE YOU all along.
At first, going through the motions of developing your latent confidence feels like flexing certain groups of muscles. During this adjustment period, you’re going to feel awkward and clumsy from doing new things you’ve never tried before.
However, if you keep at it long enough, you’ll soon find yourself making progress. The initial disorientation will eventually go away as you gain your bearings.
It’s like going to the gym: as you build your inner strength, you’ll definitely feel a bit sore at the beginning. But as time passes, this will go away and you’ll look forward to turning things up a notch!
That’s why I’d like you to take a look at the general framework which supports a confident personality. I’ve laid out some basic things you’ll need to do in order to make the most of your abilities:
#1: Think like a confident woman
The number one confidence killer is a NEGATIVE attitude. I’m sure you’ve heard that before, but the only reason why it’s been repeated so many times is because it’s TRUE.
Often, the one person who can tear down your self-esteem is none other than YOURSELF. Your confidence will be the first thing to suffer the moment you start forming exaggerated perceptions about who you are as a person…followed shortly by your love life.
It’s simple, really: a man won’t find any reason to be attracted to a woman that can’t even like HERSELF in the first place. The attitude you have towards yourself will encourage others to do the same.
This is why you’ll need to turn around any pessimistic self-beliefs you have in order to bring about your natural confidence.
Ok, let’s shake things up a bit by trying something different. Just this time, I want you to think like a guy.
No, you read it right – this exercise is meant to put yourself in an OBJECTIVE light by dealing with plain FACTS. You see, the male perspective is mostly focused on transferring information and being straight to the point.
Unlike the feminine point of view, guys have a penchant for cutting to the chase without the extra fluff. He’s analytical, rational and fact-based.
So how does thinking like a man help your self-confidence? Well, this is the exact mindset I want you to have as you do a thorough self-evaluation of all your strengths and points of improvement.
For your positive traits, think of all the wonderful things about yourself that your family, friends and co-workers love about you. You need to take these factors into account because they’ll be your best bet at ATTRACTING MEN as well.
As for the things you need to improve about yourself, remember to make NO ROOM for excessively negative talk. Simply jot down all the stuff you need to work on without unnecessarily beating yourself up.
Resist the urge to DWELL on the negative aspects and instead make an effort to acknowledge them in a detached, third-person perspective. Think of it as taking your car to the shop for a check-up.
Excellent mileage? Noted.
Shaky suspension? Check.
Good steering? Got it.
And so on.
When you find that your tire’s sprung a slow leak, should you throw a pity party and cry over the injustice of it all? No, you WORK through your issues until they’re just a memory.
That’s the masculine approach to getting stuff done – no fuss, no tears.
(Okay, maybe just a little on that last one – KIDDING!)
The better your self-perception is, the more attractive you become. So maybe you’re not perfect – welcome to the human race!
What matters is that your MIND is FOCUSED on putting your attributes to GOOD USE while acknowledging/working on your flaws (minus the self-pity!).
#2: Move like a confident woman
Now that we’ve got the positive mindset out of the way, let’s talk about body language. Again, maintain a detached perspective – do you slouch more than you hold your head up high with your shoulders pulled back?
It’s easy to be oblivious about things like these, but nevertheless necessary to consider. A confident attitude is also manifested through the little signals that your movements send out.
Being self-assured isn’t limited to a verbal sense. Other people’s perception of you is also influenced by the unspoken messages of body language.
Though you may not be saying anything, your posture, way of walking and other gestures are already giving people all the impression they need…all before you’ve even opened your mouth.
With that said, imagine yourself as a high-profile celebrity who’s always in the public eye, even on the most casual of days. This is a fun way to look the importance of walking and moving confidently at all times.
Picture yourself as a woman who’s comfortable in the presence of other people. Visualize exactly how you would sit, walk upright, or stand in the middle of a crowd.
Would you drag your feet or let your upper body sink? Obviously, those are huge no-no’s!
While you’re at it, get your doctor on board so you can discuss which therapy options can improve posture. Rolfing (www.rolfing.org) and other forms of neuromuscular therapy can straighten your back and help you walk more confidently.
The important thing is that you’re making the effort to work on this if need be. Even if you aren’t a carbon copy of a Photoshopped billboard model, your assured stride and great posture says great things about you.
#3: Get rejected like a confident woman
Don’t fall for the misconception that rejection and confidence are mutually exclusive concepts. Even the most attractive and confident-looking girl out there has dealt with rejection at some point in her life.
Furthermore, NO ONE is spared from the risk or FEAR of getting turned down by a member of the opposite sex. It hurts, but that’s life.
There’s really no point in arguing about the inevitability of failure – everyone goes through it, and the best we can do is learn to process it constructively. That’s the only way we can use rejection as a stepping stone to greater success with men.
As with what I’ve said about thinking positively, you shouldn’t allow yourself to fall into a wave of self-destructive thoughts. Rejection can trigger a downward spiral if you let it.
As such, getting turned down by a jerk should be treated as a learning experience instead of making it a reason to give up dating or hate men (or yourself for that matter). Besides, it’s best to end things now than continue going out with guys like those.
Think about this empowering fact: men are usually the ones who have to walk up to women. In most cases, guys are the first ones to put their pride on the chopping block and hope it doesn’t get cleaved in half.
By that way of thinking, you’ll not only appreciate what guys have to go through just to capture your interest – you’ll also realize that he’s just as nervous as you are!
Look, all women are subject to fear, but only the confident ones carry on IN SPITE of the feeling. Emotions can’t be switched off, but they can certainly be MANAGED.
If you want to make progress, mistakes are NEEDED to get ahead. Sometimes, you won’t truly realize what works in dating without a firsthand knowledge of what DOESN’T.
Human instinct makes us wary of a place or situation we’ve never gone through before. Many like to call this as a COMFORT ZONE. And that’s exactly the place where you won’t learn anything new.
You’ll have to set foot beyond this area of complacence! Mistakes (like rejection) are part of even the most calculated risks.
If a man brushes you off, it’s either you need to work on your interaction skills or maybe he was just having a bad day. It has nothing to do with how attractive you are to men…
…and it’s by no means a measure of your worth as a person.
Bear this in mind: It’s HIS LOSS, not yours. It only means you’re better suited for other guys who have the consideration and class to go out with someone as sassy as you.
#4: Have style like a confident woman
Let’s break down our concept of style into three basic groups: grooming, hygiene and fashion.
Now, none of these things have anything to do with being vain, because the idea is to give the rest of the world the impression that you’re an ADULT who has herself put together.
As I told you in the beginning, being confident doesn’t happen by chance. This is especially true when it comes to style.
You DON’T just fall out of bed and HAPPEN to look fabulous by some sudden stroke of luck. That’s not how good style works – it’s a DELIBERATE effort to let everyone know that you’re a woman they can take seriously (or ask out on a date!).
So take my advice: make yourself presentable, but not in an obsessive way. Ideal beauty looks effortless, and that’s best manifested by a gorgeous but low-maintenance-looking woman.
This kind of look tells the guys you’re a cool, down-to-earth girl BUT is savvy enough to take care of herself. It’s the unbeatable combination to have!
So the first thing you do is get a friend or a close relative who can provide an honest opinion. She can serve as your personal guru during your “style audit”.
Have your partner in crime evaluate your make-up M.O. She’ll be able to tell you if you’re putting too much on or too little.
With her helpful eye, you can figure out how much you should use by considering your facial shape, type of clothing worn, and hair length. Once your consultant has taken all of these into consideration, you should be able to work out a sensible “cosmetic policy”.
Now, go into a salon with your friend/relative and have a little sit-down with the on-site stylist. They should be able to find the perfect hairstyle which will bring out your best features.
Remember to be VOCAL about your preferences so that you all come to an agreeable plan for your precious follicles. The essential idea is to keep your hair soft, lustrous and healthy-looking, no matter what length you choose.
Try not to go with a certain style that will take inordinate amounts of time to recreate everyday. Like I mentioned, a low-maintenance (but tasteful) sense of style is the way to go!
While you can splurge a bit on your haircut, don’t go to the extreme of putting down a monthly paycheck’s worth just on this alone. Pamper yourself, but don’t break the bank in the process.
As for clothes, you can invest on several high-end items but keep it within reasonable limits. The essentials should always be part of your wardrobe, such as shirts, blouses, pants, belts, bags and other accessories that can be mixed and matched according to the occasion. While your fashion lineup needs to accommodate anything from casual to formal settings, don’t go anything beyond that.
Again, have your friend do an inventory check of your closet and categorize which stuff you can keep or give away. Once you’ve narrowed down which clothes to hold on to, head over to shopping mall to update your wardrobe if necessary.
The rule of thumb here is to find clothes that flatter your natural body shape and highlight your best attributes. Think of outfits which can emphasize your curves in order to bring out your feminine features.
You don’t have to bare too much skin; get clothes that reveal just enough for the imagination to do its work. With your shopping buddy and the staff’s help, you’ll gradually learn to pick out stuff that works best for you.
Since we’re working on unleashing your femininity here, always remember to put good hygiene at the forefront of your personal style. Keep the bare necessities in mind, such as shaving (or plucking) the important places and cleanliness (via showers, brushing your teeth, etc.).
Speaking of baths, go crazy with the scented shampoo, soap, body oils, moisturizers and other stuff to keep you looking soft, delicate and good enough to eat up! It’s important to keep in mind that men are absolutely driven mad by women who know how to look after themselves.
Lastly, get into an active and healthy lifestyle. Do whatever it takes to get into that taking-care-of-myself frame of mind!
If you happen to work at a place where you spend most of the day sitting down, finding time to work up a sweat is vital. You don’t need to have an hourglass figure, but you do have to maintain a daily or weekly effort in burning those calories.
Look up the gyms in your local area and choose one that jives with your daily schedule. If that’s not your thing, there are other alternatives such as Yoga and Tae Bo.
Of course, half of looking great also goes into what you eat. Get the help of your doctor or a nutritionist to come up with a REASONABLE eating plan that will keep you trim and energized.
Achieving a better (read: not perfect) figure is possible if you truly want it. All the means are there at your disposal; all you have to do seek them out and USE it.
In summary, all of these aspects form the rudiments of good poise. When you get used to keeping up the habits we’ve discussed today, you’ll gradually DEVELOP the kind of personality that SCREAMS of self-confidence.
Once again, your confidence is an existing gift that you’ve always had. It’s only now that we’re getting down to the business of unleashing your natural capacity to kick butt!
Think of how a sculptor would see it: the right kind of attitude will chip away the parts that you don’t need. From your “raw form”, your positive outlook will eventually reveal the beautiful yet sturdy work of art that you are underneath!
If you’re ready to take the plunge and learn why men pull away – Click here to watch my free video presentation…