By Mirabelle Summers
Author of Get A Great Guy Guide
If you want genuine men and not just any man, this will challenge your beliefs about love and attraction, and show you the way to become a seduction success story, check this out…
Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Unlocking Intimacy
Have you ever wondered what it takes for a guy to tip over the edge and fall in love with a woman?
It seems that the key to getting under a guy’s skin (in a good way) is letting your guard down around him.
In fact, when an attractive woman becomes emotionally naked with a man, it’s just as powerfully irresistible to him as if she appeared in front of him physically naked.
Although this time, it is his heart that can’t do the resisting.
Because when a woman is vulnerable around a guy, it unlocks his instincts to protect her and creates a safe space for him to also let HIS guard down.
And once a guy feels safe and secure enough to simply be himself around a woman (along with all of his insecurities and imperfections), his heart will be hers.
Even though being vulnerable can sometimes put your heart out in the firing line, it is a risk well worth taking. Because in the end it will lead to the intimacy and desire you have always craved.
What does it mean to be vulnerable?
Often people immediately associate vulnerability with being weak or submissive. But this is not the case – showing your true self to others actually takes a great amount of courage.
In a way, vulnerability is like being emotionally ‘naked’. We are stripping away the pretenses and revealing our true, imperfect selves to others – rather than trying to be something we’re not to impress them.
It means that you accept yourself completely as you are, imperfections and all. You are brave enough to share your true feelings and needs with others, even when there is no guarantee that you will gain a positive response.
You can accept the fact that other people have every right to choose not to meet your needs, and sometimes getting hurt is a potential risk.
At the same time, you realize that being vulnerable is a necessary part of falling in love and being loved back. You can invest in a relationship, even when you know that it may not work out.
Why do we fear being vulnerable in relationships?
The main reason people fear being vulnerable with others is that they are terrified of being rejected.
Because unfortunately, getting rejected or getting your heart broken is sometimes a real risk that comes with opening up to someone. For instance, when you ask someone out or attempt to initiate sex with your partner.
Often people try to avoid being truly vulnerable with others in these situations by using means such as alcohol to ‘take the edge off’, or communicating by phone or social media to maintain physical distance from someone they like.
But by doing this, people are also avoiding true connection, joy and happiness. In fact, the only way to truly connect with another person’s soul is to take the risk and let yourself be vulnerable with them – completely as you are.
So the very thing that people often try to avoid is really the key to gaining the connection and intimacy they crave.
Another reason people fear being vulnerable is that they don’t want to come across as being ‘needy’ and scare potential partners away.
But there is a key difference between someone being vulnerable with another and someone being needy.
Being vulnerable is about being your true self and open with others about your feelings and needs, even though you accept that you might not always get the outcome you desire. And if that person chooses not to meet your need, you are able to soothe yourself back into a positive frame of mind.
On the other hand, being needy involves asking someone to meet your needs, but grounding your sense of esteem and happiness on their response.
So if that person chooses not to accept your request (e.g. chooses not to go out with you), you will be devastated and unable to cope.
This is because a needy person is not able to self-soothe when they are rejected, as they allow their self-esteem to be determined by external rather than internal sources.
So the main point of difference here is that while vulnerability is driven by bravery, self-love and inner strength, neediness is driven by weakness, fear and an inability to cope alone.
Why are men attracted to vulnerable women?
I’m sure you’ve all heard before about how neediness turns a guy off – no man wants to deal with a woman who is constantly relying on him for emotional support and reassurance.
And above we made the crucial distinction between being vulnerable and being needy. Now it’s time to go into WHY vulnerability is so very disarming and attractive to a guy.
The truth is, often trying to impress a guy by trying too hard to appear intelligent, funny, seductive or competent actually ends up having the opposite effect to what a woman is wanting – he can instantly tell that she is being fake.
When a women opens up to a guy and shows who she truly is, she is able to connect with him in a way no-one may have before.
When it comes to looking for a relationship partner (as opposed to a one night stand or casual fling), men are drawn to women who are down-to-earth, real and not afraid to be themselves.
Why? Men fear being vulnerable even more than women do. But a woman is open and vulnerable it gives a guy the space to be the same around her.
And a man will never feel more comfortable than when he is with a woman who he can be completely vulnerable with, and not have to constantly act like he has everything under control.
Although most guys would never admit to it, being a guy can be a lot of pressure, and many man have hidden performance anxiety in areas such as their career, athletic pursuits, social life and sex.
Being around a woman he can be close with and not have to try to impress is very soothing – feeling that she accepts him for his true imperfect self, just as he accepts her.
Never underestimate the powerful force of a man’s instinct to protect the woman he loves.
Being vulnerable around your man means giving him chances to take charge and look after you when you need it. It also means not being afraid to ask for his help and to share your fears.
This doesn’t mean that you should act helpless around your man, but it does mean letting him in, in order to find the intimacy and closeness you crave.
Having the chance to take care of you in a vulnerable moment and feeling your appreciation will make him feel like a million bucks. And if he feels like Superman in your eyes, his heart will be yours.
How will being vulnerable enrich your relationship?
According to top vulnerability researcher Brene Brown (as seen on TED), people who allow themselves to be vulnerable with others have a strong sense of love and belonging in their lives, as it allows them to deeply connect with others.
Being able to be vulnerable with each other is the key to a healthy and meaningful relationship. Because without vulnerability, a relationship will remain shallow and superficial – never being able to grow beyond a certain point.
It’s only human that you need to feel safe with a guy before you let yourself be vulnerable with him. But once you feel this way around him, take a leap of faith and allow yourself to lower your guard.
Let him in to the real you. Tell him what you truly want and need from him and be open to his responses.
When you are open to one another’s true desires and choose to meet one another’s needs, your levels of intimacy will reach new heights. You will each feel loved, nurtured and accepted in a way more complete than you have ever felt.
How can you start becoming more vulnerable with the man you desire?
When we have been hurt in the past, we often put up barriers around ourselves for our own protection. This can make it really hard for us to let our guard down, even with a guy we really like.
However, it is possible to break down those walls you have built up and allow yourself to become more vulnerable with your man. Start taking these small steps below:
• Start to question your thoughts and fears. The next time you feel afraid of opening up to a guy, question whether you are worried about something that is actually likely to happen, or whether you are just imagining the worst.
• When out on a date, answer your date’s questions honestly. Be yourself, rather than what you think he might want you to be. Because you are enough, just as you are.
• If you’ve been seeing a guy you really like and neither one of you has talked about your feelings, be the first one to do it. If he feels the same way, you will have created a safe space for him to share his feelings with you. And if he doesn’t, then at least you’ll know for sure where he stands and won’t waste any more time with a guy who isn’t as interested as you are.
• Learn how to self-soothe. Although becoming more vulnerable will open you up to love and connection, unfortunately it also means being more open to the risk of your desires being rejected by others.
And when this happens, you need to be able to accept their decision and soothe your hurt feelings. Remember, a key difference in being vulnerable versus being needy is that you take responsibility for your own sense of esteem and happiness.
So be strong and find healthy ways to heal and cheer yourself up. Because the next opportunity will be just around the corner.
• Make life decisions based on what feels right to you, rather than what you think others might want or expect. Start living a live that is true to yourself.
• Focus on the present. By appreciating what is currently happening in your life, you will feel less afraid of what might or might not happen in the future. This means letting go of expectations and trying not to let your mind wander off into the land of “What ifs”.
• If you are in a relationship and want to take things to the next level (e.g. moving in together), choose to share your true desires and needs with your man, even though there is the risk that he may not feel the same way. Only by putting yourself out there are you open to his response.
• Ask your man for his help when you need it. Don’t feel that you need to handle everything on your own. You will probably find that he is more than willing to lend a hand or some advice, and this will only bring you closer together.
• When you are in a trusting and committed relationship, vow to love your partner and all of his imperfections with your whole heart, even when there are no guarantees that it will last.
Taking these steps to become more vulnerable in your love life may feel scary, but with time it will get easier. And with increased vulnerability, the more your life will become enriched with love and connection.
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